As a proper Nigerian, finishing the year with so much money in your account is a very big deal. I’m very sure you can’t wait to pepper dem this December.
You can’t wait to show-off to that babe turned you down because you couldn’t afford bone-straight or to that HoeGee that told you he only wanted to smash and pass.
The bad news
The 2k you usually earn from site can’t be enough for your Detty December plans. Omo that 2k we used to be proud of before can’t even buy one basket of onions. Look at yourself now, can you afford to send 2k urgently to that girl that you met at Betty’s birthday last week? Of course not. Omo wahala for who no get money for Detty December o.
The good news
As a generous person which I am, I’ll show you tremendous ways in which you can make enough money for Detty December without going broke in January. If one method doesn’t work out, you should obviously try another method. It’s best you try all these methods at the same time which will then result in much more money—it’s called doubling your hustle. Ask Orezi, he knows better.
Everyone keeps saying “Enugbe”, they always say there’s no money in this country, No mind them o na scam. Let me show you how to make plenty of money that even your village people will have no choice but to rejoice with you.
I’m about to take you through Financial Intelligence 101. Are you ready for this premium course?
1. Sell one of your kidneys
As you may know, nothing good comes without paying a price. Were you expecting me to tell you where you find free money? Of course not.
As at today, a kidney costs a whopping amount of $262,000! After all, God blessed you without 2 kidneys. So letting one go shouldn’t be a big deal at all. Doctors have also confirmed you can live quite long with just one kidney. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Moreso, the human heart costs $119,000. Imagine selling that heart Folake broke because of that stupid Sugar Daddy that gave her a lift in front of your house. I just hope you get to live after you decide to sell that broken heart 😂.
2. Rob a bank
You don’t need to be a professional armed robber before you can rob a bank. You just need to get at least 6 ex-convicts to rob a bank.
If you’ve watched the Money Heist series, you should be able to learn how to properly rob a bank from the Professor. But if you eventually decide to rob the bank yourself, I wish you good luck. Just don’t kill anyone, not even the security officers.
If you get caught, there’s still hope.
A loan at a bank can take 35 years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you will be out in 10 years. I know 10 years looks long. But there’s a saying that goes “We suffer today so we can enjoy tomorrow”. Imagine planning for 2030’s Detty December in 2020. You’re so futuristic.
3. Do money rituals
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard stories of people that had wealth through money rituals or you’ve probably seen it in Nigerian movies. Money ritual is not fiction, it is real. It’s one of the fastest ways to get rich quick in this country.
I advise you to seek the help of a Herbalist ASAP. But if they ask you to bring someone for rituals, don’t do it! Don’t be wicked dear. Plus, the spirit of the person will haunt you to the extent that you may not live to see this Christmas. You don’t want to do that.
Tell the Herbalist you only want the ritual for Detty December. He might ask you to steal someone’s chicken or buy a cow that has a big hump. At least you’re not taking any one’s life, you might just face consequences like not being able to have seks for life. Is seks a priority? No, it’s not. Isaac Newton did not touch any woman till he died. You can do it too.
Open an Onlyfans account
If a whole Cardi B could open an Onlyfans account why shouldn’t you be able to open one? What are you covering on your body that we’ve not seen before? 😂
Cardi B makes about $8 million monthly, that’s staggering! Are you scared you’re going to put your family’s name to shame for showing your nudes on the internet? Don’t worry, Onlyfans is secure. Only people that pay to see your body will have access to your dirty nudes. 🙄
5. Be a drug dealer
Selling drugs is another fast way to get rich quick as long as you can take risks. You shouldn’t be scared to take risks. Have you forgotten what that hungry motivational speaker in your street told you about risks?
You must aspire to perspire to become the next Pablo Escobar. Now that there are more eyes on drug trafficking, you cannot become the next Pablo Escobar or El Chapo, not possible. But drug dealership is still a thing, you just need to find your right customers like selling “igbo” (weed) to agbero boys.
But if you eventually get caught, you’ll spend your next 20 Christmas days eating prison beans. 💔
6. Be a Professional mourner
This one no hard at all. Like I said earlier, you just need to find your right customers. Just find upcoming funerals and ask the organizers if they need a professional mourner. And there you go, you got the job. The pay might not be that much, but when you do about 10-15 gigs, you should be about to afford a basket of onions.
You see, some people lived a crazy life that only a few of their relatives and friends get to show up for their funeral. They lived so bad that they had to tell lies at their funeral. That should be your target audience.
However, you can decide to join our favourite funeral dancers, the Undertakers. You just need to know how to carry something heavy on your shoulder and know how to dance well. Just don’t expose someone’s corpse on their funeral because you missed a dance step. Their ghost would haunt you!
7. Sell your father’s properties
This one is my favourite. Just go under your father’s bed or his wardrobe and search through his files for his property receipts. Before you sell, just make photocopies because anything can happen, make those agents no go scam you.
Imagine selling your father’s plot of land at Ibeju-Lekki for 250k because you had to buy bone-straight for Feyikemi on her birthday. Life comes at you fast. I just hope you live long enough to tell your grandkids the story.
You can also decide to sell Nigeria since it’s your father’s land. Just make sure my share gets to me in quick time or wahala go dey. Cos I fit chop you raw.
8. Be a Father Christmas
So many schools will be having their Christmas parties/carols during this period, So they’ll definitely be in need of a father Christmas. And guess what, you don’t need to worry about getting the Santa Claus costume, most of your clients already have it ready for you.
All you just need to do is to apply for the role of a father Christmas and DANG!!! You got the job. Just don’t steal those children’s gifts and make sure you’re not looking like a beast so as not to terrify someone’s child. Just sit like a chairman, let the kids sit on your lap, give them their gifts, and smile like a Christmas goat while the photographer takes the shots.
I’ve taken you through how you can make so much for Detty December, I think I deserve Tiri Gbosa, isn’t it?
If you’re a student like me, I just hope ASUU doesn’t ruin our Detty December. So we no go spend Detty December for inside exam hall.
Cash out and Detty your December!!!!